June 02, 2008
Missed Connection
6/4/08
My friend Michelle and I were trolling through Tower Grove Park, scarfing sun-softened Whatchamacallits when you and a car full of your friends sped by. You were at the wheel, dressed in full clown regalia -- a neon orange wig, polka dot suit with ruffle around the neck and painted-on smile. I couldn't see them, but I bet your feet were encased in some oversized rubber tuxedo shoes. Your friends were similarly attired. As you passed us, you leaned out of the window and yipped. You startled Michelle, but I screeched after you, "I'm not impressed, carnival cretin!" I really wasn't.
I wanted to stop you and trade clown stories, tell you about the time my boyfriend and I swallowed tabs of ecstasy, dressed up as the Insane Clown Posse (If memory serves, he was Violent J, and I was Shaggy 2 Dope.) and hit every grocery store in the metropolitan area in search of Faygo, America's favorite off-brand soda. Sure, we later realized that the only stores that carry Faygo are the ones we failed to visit: Family Dollar and the Dollar Tree, but I'm willing to bet our corpse paint-smeared faces and drug-induced thirst for cheap soda were received with more alacrity than any of the balloon animals you've proffered. Jus' sayin'.